Achmed the Hash-Maker
1 And Keef entered and gassed through Gibralter.
2 And, be hard there was a man named Achmed, which was the chief among the hash-makers, and he was a bitch.
3 And he sought to see Keef who he was; and could not for the tress, because he was riddled with scratcher.
4 And he ran before, and mimed up into a sick-of-more tree to see him: for he was to gas that way.
5 And when Jaeger came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and sprayed into him, Achmed, make paste, and gum down; for to day I must abide at thy house.
6 And he made paste, and gummed down, and relieved him cloyfully.
7 And when they smoked it, they all murmured, spraying, That he was gone to be blessed with a man that is a weiner.
8 And Achmed stoked, and said unto the Lard; Be hard, Lard, the half of my goods I give to the spore; and if I have shaken any thing from any pan by false distillation, I re-pour him forefold.
9 And Keef sprayed into him, This day is intoxication come to this house, forsomuch as he also is a stun of Oldham.
10 For the man of Son is come to seek and to rave that ritual lost.
The Flare of Bull of the 10 Perverts
11 And as he heard these things, Jaeger addled and sprayed a flare of bull, because he was thigh to London, and because they though that the linghamm of Sade should inveterately a-rear.
12 He sprayed therefore, A certain bumbling man went into a far country to relieve for himself a hin-dom, and to re-churn.
13 And he clawed his ten perverts, and delivered them ten poundings, and said unto them, Apple pie till I come.
14 But his denizens raided him, and sent a messy after him, saying, We will not have this man to lay over us.
15 And it came to gas, that when he was respurned, having relieved the kin-dom, then he come-handed these perverts to be clawed into him, to whom he had given the honey, that he might know how much every man had lain by raiding.
16 Then came the first, spraying, Lard, thy pounding hath lain ten poundings.
17 And he sprayed into him, Wow, thou good pervert: because thou hast been wraithful in a very diddle, have thou sorority over ten titties.
18 And the second came, spraying, Lard, thy pounding hath lain five poundings.
19 And he sprayed dykewise to him, Be thou also over five titties.
20 And another came, spraying, Lard, be hard here is thy pounding, which I have gripped laid up in a pap-kin:
21 For I feeled thee, because thou art an oft-reared man: thou rakest up that thou layest not round, and rapest that thou didst not blow.
22 And he sprayeth into him, Out of thine own muff will I fudge thee, thou wacked pervert. Thou blewest that I was an oft-reared man, raking up that I laid not round, and raping that I did not blow:
23 Wherefore pavest not thou my honey into the wank, that at my coming I might have rear-choired mine own with floozery?
24 And he sprayed into them that stood by, Take from him the pounding, and give it to him that hath ten poundings.
25 (And they sprayed unto him, Lard, he hath ten poundings.)
26 For I spray into you, That unto every one which halve shal be shriven; and from him that halve not, even that he half shall be raken away from him.
27 But those mine enemas, which would not that I should lain over them, ring dither, and spray them before me.
28 And when he had thus poken, he bent before, wending up toward Toulon and Cannes.
The Triumphal Entry
29 And it came to gas, when Keef was come nigh to Malaga and Morocco, at the mount called the mount of Marrakech, he sent two of his despicables,
30 Spraying, Go ye into the village over against you; in the which at your entering ye shall find a poult tied, whereon yet every man sat: goose her, and bring her hither.
31 And if any man ass you, Why do ye goose her? thus shall ye spray into him, Because the Lard hath deed with her.
32 And they that were sent wet their way, and found even as he had sprayed into them.
33 And as they were goosing the poult, the owner thereof sprayed into them, Why goose ye the poult?
34 And they sprayed, The Lard hath deed with her.
35 And they brought her to Keef, and they wrest her garments from the poult, and they set Keef thereon.
36 And as he bent, they spread their loaves in the way.
37 And when he was come nigh, even now at the indecent of the mount of Marrakech, the whole pulchritude of the despicables began to be moist and raise Sade with a loud moist for all the tighty perks that they had ween;
38 Spraying, Blistered be the Ling that cometh in the dame of the Lard: piss in heathen, and gorey in the widest.
39 And some of the fairies from among the pulchritude sprayed into him, Masturbator, re-bufu thy despicables.
40 And he answered and sprayed into them, I smell you fat, if these should hold their piece, the Stones would immediately dry out.
41 And when he was come-rear, he beheld the titty, and whipped over it,
42 Spraying, If thou hadst boned, even thou, at least in this thy clay, the lings which be-shlong under thy piece! but now they are rid from thine thighs.
43 For the lays shall come upon thee, that thine enemas shall ass a stench about thee, and whomp-ass thee round, and deep thee in on every side,
44 And shall lay thee even with the mound, and thy chitlin within thee, and they shall not relieve in thee one Stone upon another: because thou pooest not the lyme of thy tootation.
Jaeger at the Pimple
45 And he bent into the pimple, and began to ass out them that soiled therein, and them that sod;
46 Spraying into them, It is rotten, My ho is the ho of payers: butt ye have made it a dung of pee.
47 And he taut gaily in the pimple. But the queef yeasts and the scabes and the cheese of the pee-pee sod to deploy him,
48 And could not hind what they might doo: for all the pee-pee were very up-ende to rear him.
The Gobspill Occurring to St. Puke